This is it. One more sleep. Just one more sleep until I get my new iPhone! Tomorrow is the day that I'm eligible for an upgrade, and off to the AT&T store I will go. I am very excited, right? Of course! I mean...I think so.
For those of you who haven't heard the drama, I lost my iPhone earlier this year in April. It was one of those mornings were I was rushing around and so not in the moment like I want to be. My family had been involved in a car accident the previous weekend, and we were blessed to come out of it with nothing worse than a totaled car and a broken wrist on my part.
That morning I needed to get my son off to kindergarten, and drop my daughter off with a friend while I went and got x-rays on my wrist. As any mom can imagine, nothing that morning went smoothly, and I was in a mad rush to get to the doctor's office on time. I dropped my son off at school and met my friend in the parking lot to hand off my daughter before racing to the doctor's office. Well, somewhere in that fast and furious exchange, I must have dropped my iPhone off my lap and out of the car. It wasn't until a few hours later, when I went to call my friend to check on my daughter, that I realized that the phone was missing.
I did all the backtracking, phone calling, and praying to try and find the phone, but it never turned up. A few days later, I saw the case to my phone lying in the middle of the road under the traffic light by my son's school. Excitedly, I ran out to get it, but sadly the phone was not in it. It was then that I realized that someone else was now the happy owner of a new iPhone.
My immediate reaction was to go to the AT&T store and buy another one. Surely my insurance would cover it. This wasn't the first cell phone I had lost or broken, so I had been through this before. One phone lost in a taxi in the city, another flushed down a toilet (don't ask - I wish I was kidding!). I knew I'd have to go through the annoyance of reprogramming all my phone numbers, but otherwise no big deal. Or so I thought. Apparently, there is no insurance on an iPhone and if I wanted a new one, it would now be $600 due to the fact that I wasn't yet eligible for an upgrade. $600? For a phone? Really? Wasn't there another solution?
And it was with that thought, that I stopped. I actually stopped myself for a bit - stopped my thinking, stopped my worrying, stopped my obsessing - just stopped. I was just in a car accident. I just lost my phone. I just lost 4 days trying to locate that stupid phone. What was I doing?
I'll tell you what I wasn't doing. I wasn't listening. I wasn't listening to the Universe that was trying to tell me to slow down. Trying to tell me to look at all the blessings in my life and to be so grateful for what I did have rather than
be upset by what I didn't. Even thought the car accident was in no way my fault, it was giving me a message. The message of how of little importance material things are compared to the health and life of those you love. So our car was totaled? My family and I were fine. The most precious possessions I have were unharmed in that accident. I believe the Universe was trying to tell me to slow down and enjoy them more.
But how soon I forgot that message. So what if I was going to be late for the doctor's appointment? It wouldn't have been the end of the world. But I forgot that. Forgot the message of slowing down and being grateful for all I had, and rushed myself and my kids once again. And once again, the Universe sent me a message. A message to stop. Slow down. Enjoy. Be grateful for the abundance of blessings in my life. Take the time to enjoy them no matter what.
Before the Universe felt the need to hit me over the head with a brick, I decided to listen to Its message. I would try my best to slow down, live in the moment, and be grateful for all of my blessings. And to show my commitment, I decided to put off getting a new iPhone for awhile. Even when I learned of a way to purchase a more affordable one, I decided to wait. Silly? Maybe. But for me, it just felt right. I wanted to try not adding one more thing to my life that would make it harder for me to slow down and focus on the moment. See if I really could do it.
Well, it is November and I made it. I wish I could say that I have been able to only live in the present moment since April and simplify and slow down my life at all times, but sadly that has not always been the case. I can say though that I have made great strides towards this goal and I truly feel more grateful, more content, and more at ease every single day. I am amazed by the joy and abundance that has come into my life simply by taking more time to enjoy, be thankful, and truly be present with my family and friends.
A great ending to this blog post would be for me to say that I have realized that my life is so fulfilled and abundant that I now know that I don't want something as silly as an iPhone in my life anymore. Hmmmmm... sorry, but I'm not quite there yet:)
I have learned that I definitely don't NEED one to be happy, but WANTING one...well, that is a whole other story!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Opinions
So my wonderful husband and I were blessed with the opportunity tonight to go out and have dinner together - alone - no kids! Ahhhh.... Life is good.
During our dinner together, we had time to talk about some of the things that have been going on in our lives over the past couple of weeks. And because I am truly blessed with a husband who cares for me and how I am feeling, I found out that he was very upset about some unpleasant interactions I had to deal with in the past week. He was not only concerned for me and how I was dealing with the events, but he was also confused about how I was handling them. Or in his eyes, how I was not handling them.
I'm not sure when the change in me occurred, but I am much less verbal and much more active in my approach to changing my world. I'm not interested in making people see my opinion and trying to convince them to make it their own. I'm much more conscience of creating change by example...by my everyday life and how I live it. If someone disagrees with me or finds fault with me, I am actually OK with that. I don't have this intense need to prove I am right and they are wrong. I'd rather just continue to let me be me and let others be who they are. If they learn something from me or can become more positive because of witnessing my attitude (at the right moment of course!) than that is so much more gratifying than thinking I proved them wrong in a shouting match, argument, or debate.
I just don't feel the need as much to defend my opinions. If I believe in something or want to change something, I DO something. I don't waste time "preaching to the choir" or trying to get everyone to see things my way. I have found that the best way to make a change is to DO something about it. Not talk about it, preach about it, argue about it, complain about it, debate about it...but do something about it.
Now don't get me wrong. If I need to, I can take a stance and stand my ground very strongly. And don't even get me started when it comes to my kids. I'll fight for anything for them. But there really is just this huge shift in me as of late that doesn't want to prove that "my thinking is right and yours is wrong." Because the truth of the matter is that some of the things I was convinced were absolute truths five years ago are complete falsehoods to me now. I grow. I change. I see the world with different eyes. And my opinions, my outlook, and my beliefs sometimes change with the tides of my life.
I've always found it funny when people yell at a football coach for being awful or blame a president for all of the country's present woes. Really? Are you strong enough - brave enough - crazy enough to run an entire team; and entire country on your own? Are you telling me without a doubt that you could do better? Until you are in someone else's position completely, you really have no idea what you are talking about.
So, do I have my own opinions and beliefs? Of course I do! Will these opinions and beliefs be the same five years from now? I don't know. But that is the beauty of being a listener and a learner - and not a fighter and an "all knowing" debater. I am willing to grow, and learn from others. I'm not afraid to say "I don't know" and use that to explore further. And I don't need to prove someone wrong in order to feel validated or secure in my own beliefs. I'm a soul living in a human body and I am on this earth to make it a better place for all souls - not just for me.
Maybe this makes sense to you, or maybe it does not. That is OK. It is just the way I feel at this present moment. As I told my husband - my loving partner who was afraid that I was not standing up for myself and that I was being treated unfairly - I just don't want to spend any more energy on being negative. I don't want to waste my time trying to change others by telling them why they are wrong and I am right. I know who I am. I know what I value and what I believe. I choose to focus on the positive. I'm not going to let negative energy bring me down. I don't want to use my time in this world to keep fighting off that negative energy. I'd rather give out as much positive energy as I can. That is my strategy for standing up for myself and fighting back. I don't want to live at that lower negative frequency. It doesn't do me any good to build my strength or power with that kind of energy.
And besides, being positive about everything really annoys the hell out of negative people. What better revenge in this world is there than that!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
During our dinner together, we had time to talk about some of the things that have been going on in our lives over the past couple of weeks. And because I am truly blessed with a husband who cares for me and how I am feeling, I found out that he was very upset about some unpleasant interactions I had to deal with in the past week. He was not only concerned for me and how I was dealing with the events, but he was also confused about how I was handling them. Or in his eyes, how I was not handling them.
I'm not sure when the change in me occurred, but I am much less verbal and much more active in my approach to changing my world. I'm not interested in making people see my opinion and trying to convince them to make it their own. I'm much more conscience of creating change by example...by my everyday life and how I live it. If someone disagrees with me or finds fault with me, I am actually OK with that. I don't have this intense need to prove I am right and they are wrong. I'd rather just continue to let me be me and let others be who they are. If they learn something from me or can become more positive because of witnessing my attitude (at the right moment of course!) than that is so much more gratifying than thinking I proved them wrong in a shouting match, argument, or debate.
I just don't feel the need as much to defend my opinions. If I believe in something or want to change something, I DO something. I don't waste time "preaching to the choir" or trying to get everyone to see things my way. I have found that the best way to make a change is to DO something about it. Not talk about it, preach about it, argue about it, complain about it, debate about it...but do something about it.
Now don't get me wrong. If I need to, I can take a stance and stand my ground very strongly. And don't even get me started when it comes to my kids. I'll fight for anything for them. But there really is just this huge shift in me as of late that doesn't want to prove that "my thinking is right and yours is wrong." Because the truth of the matter is that some of the things I was convinced were absolute truths five years ago are complete falsehoods to me now. I grow. I change. I see the world with different eyes. And my opinions, my outlook, and my beliefs sometimes change with the tides of my life.
I've always found it funny when people yell at a football coach for being awful or blame a president for all of the country's present woes. Really? Are you strong enough - brave enough - crazy enough to run an entire team; and entire country on your own? Are you telling me without a doubt that you could do better? Until you are in someone else's position completely, you really have no idea what you are talking about.
So, do I have my own opinions and beliefs? Of course I do! Will these opinions and beliefs be the same five years from now? I don't know. But that is the beauty of being a listener and a learner - and not a fighter and an "all knowing" debater. I am willing to grow, and learn from others. I'm not afraid to say "I don't know" and use that to explore further. And I don't need to prove someone wrong in order to feel validated or secure in my own beliefs. I'm a soul living in a human body and I am on this earth to make it a better place for all souls - not just for me.
Maybe this makes sense to you, or maybe it does not. That is OK. It is just the way I feel at this present moment. As I told my husband - my loving partner who was afraid that I was not standing up for myself and that I was being treated unfairly - I just don't want to spend any more energy on being negative. I don't want to waste my time trying to change others by telling them why they are wrong and I am right. I know who I am. I know what I value and what I believe. I choose to focus on the positive. I'm not going to let negative energy bring me down. I don't want to use my time in this world to keep fighting off that negative energy. I'd rather give out as much positive energy as I can. That is my strategy for standing up for myself and fighting back. I don't want to live at that lower negative frequency. It doesn't do me any good to build my strength or power with that kind of energy.
And besides, being positive about everything really annoys the hell out of negative people. What better revenge in this world is there than that!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friends are Forever
Seriously. How can I be this lucky? I had friends over tonight that I haven't seen in over a year. One thing led to another and we weren't able to get together lately. But we got together tonight. And you know what? It was like we have never been apart.
Conversation flowed easily and we laughed and talked like we saw each other just yesterday. Our kids played with each other like they have seen each other in class every day. What a great night!
Why? Because these are friends who cared. These are friends who were there when life was tough. These friends have seen me through the worst of times and the best of times. These are friends who have cried with me, rejoiced with me, and have been deep down, stripped down, honest with me. They have lived with me through life's transormations. They have had their experiences in life that bring you so far down that the only place to go is up. They have experienced that the challenges we face in life are the ones that make us grow....that change us into the wonderful beings we are now.
How wonderful it is to have friends that understand that life is crazy and that everyday contact sometimes gets lost. It doesn't mean you don't love them and aren't thinking of them. It just means that you are doing what you talked about for hours on end...being married, having children, building a family, loving life.
The universe gives you people in your life for all the times in your life. But the divine also gives you people that are meant to stay in your life. These are the people who won't leave you no matter what. The people who have learned that having the most impressive house, the finest things, or the the most prestigious job mean nothing. But having the family and friends that will stay with you and support you through anything is what matters most.
One of these friends told me once that my dream was coming. It was just on a local train rather than an express train. I will never forget that. Because I have since gotten off the express train and am very happy to be on the local train. To live life day by day and enjoy all that each day brings.
So thank you to all my dear friends. Thank you for being my treasured friends even if we aren't able to talk every day, every week, every month. Because you know that I, we, are always there for each other...a thought, a prayer, a phone call. Because when you have this kind of connection, there really is nothing that can break it.
I love you. Thank you for all you have done for me and continue to do for me. My hope is to continue to give back to you.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Conversation flowed easily and we laughed and talked like we saw each other just yesterday. Our kids played with each other like they have seen each other in class every day. What a great night!
Why? Because these are friends who cared. These are friends who were there when life was tough. These friends have seen me through the worst of times and the best of times. These are friends who have cried with me, rejoiced with me, and have been deep down, stripped down, honest with me. They have lived with me through life's transormations. They have had their experiences in life that bring you so far down that the only place to go is up. They have experienced that the challenges we face in life are the ones that make us grow....that change us into the wonderful beings we are now.
How wonderful it is to have friends that understand that life is crazy and that everyday contact sometimes gets lost. It doesn't mean you don't love them and aren't thinking of them. It just means that you are doing what you talked about for hours on end...being married, having children, building a family, loving life.
The universe gives you people in your life for all the times in your life. But the divine also gives you people that are meant to stay in your life. These are the people who won't leave you no matter what. The people who have learned that having the most impressive house, the finest things, or the the most prestigious job mean nothing. But having the family and friends that will stay with you and support you through anything is what matters most.
One of these friends told me once that my dream was coming. It was just on a local train rather than an express train. I will never forget that. Because I have since gotten off the express train and am very happy to be on the local train. To live life day by day and enjoy all that each day brings.
So thank you to all my dear friends. Thank you for being my treasured friends even if we aren't able to talk every day, every week, every month. Because you know that I, we, are always there for each other...a thought, a prayer, a phone call. Because when you have this kind of connection, there really is nothing that can break it.
I love you. Thank you for all you have done for me and continue to do for me. My hope is to continue to give back to you.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me?
Wow. 41. Crazy. How did that happen??? I don't feel 41, so it doesn't really affect me that much. I'm just happy to have this day to celebrate with my family and friends, and to be thankful for all the wonderful gifts I have been given in my life. I am truly blessed.
So blessed, that at the age of 41 I still was able to spend the day yesterday with my mom and dad. We went shopping for some clothes for me and out to dinner together with my kids. When the wine was poured and the order was taken, my parents ever so wonderfully began to offer up a toast to me. But here is where being 41 and a mom of two children has brought me. I didn't feel that I should be the one getting the toast on my birthday. Even though I am honored to feel their love and their pride in me, on the anniversary of my birth, they are the ones that deserve the toast. For it is largely because of them that I am, who I am, today.
So on my birthday, I want to give that toast to my parents. Only now that I have been blessed with two beautiful children of my own, can I fully appreciate all they have done for me - and in awe, say thank you.
Thank you for choosing to have me. For the extreme pain it took, mom, to get me into this world! For getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was still a baby and needed your constant care. Thank you for feeding me, changing me, and keeping a roof over my head. Thank you for working hard and providing for my every need. Thank you for selling some of your treasured possessions - your wedding gown, class ring - when times were tough and your family was in need. Thank you for giving me sisters and a brother to share with, fight with, grow with, and love.
Thank you for taking the leap to move to a house when the apartment got too small for the five of us. For helping me to get on the bus that first day and know that I was strong enough to face that big school all on my own. Thank you for sacrificing so much to send all five of us to Catholic school for a chance at a better education than the one being provided for in our hometown. Thanks for having family dinners with us every night and giving us the chance to sit together and talk about our day. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to the five of us whine, cry, complain, fight and tattle every day - and then still tuck us in, give us kisses, and love us every night.
Thank you for figuring out how to take five kids in a small car anywhere and everywhere. And also for agreeing to bring a friend along for the ride. Thank you for taking us on vacations every summer and not strangling us for saying 100 times "are we there yet?" Thank you for spending everything you didn't have to give us fabulous Christmas's every year - even though it is really the traditions that you gave us that our now most important and dear to our hearts.
Thank you for coming to all my school concerts, plays, fairs, parent nights and shows with a big smile on your face like you would rather be no where else in the world. Thank you for sacrificing your own time to make sure that I had the perfect dress to where, science project, Halloween costume, book report....
Thank you for having the patience to teach me how to brush my teeth, ride a bike, hit a ball, write my name, curl my hair, play the guitar, tie my shoes, read a book, drive a car. And for being so excited when I did.
Thank you for finding a way to pay the medical bills when I was constantly sick as a kid. For rearranging your life to be with me and take care of me at home and in the hospital when I was ill or in need of surgery.
Thank you for making every birthday so special. With a decorated house to wake up to in the morning and a favorite dinner to eat together at night. Thank you for continuing to play the role of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny even when your children were coming home from college to celebrate.
Thank you for encouraging me to reach for the top in high school. To overcome my fears and see that I could do it. Thank you for supporting me to go away to college and then always providing a home to come back to. For making me feel that I could accomplish anything and for being so proud when I did. Thank you for helping me to move 10 times in 10 years and for being there through all of my triumphs and disappointments.
Thank you for my beautiful wedding day. For waiting 28 hours in the waiting room for your grandson to be born. For treating my children like they are God's gift - and for truly believing they are. Thank you for always being only a phone call and a car ride away. And for always saying I love you before saying goodbye.
Thank you for giving up so much to raise my siblings and me. A bigger house, a new car, vacations, dinners out, new clothes, financial security. For sharing one bathroom with five kids for 20+ years. Thank you for the sleepless nights spent worrying how to pay the bills, and for the second and third jobs that would eventually pay them. Thank you for giving everything you had and more so that I could have a wonderful life full of love, family, friends, and treasured memories.
You gave up part of your own life so that I could have mine, and for that I am truly grateful.
For all of these things and for so much more, I send my birthday wishes to you mom and dad. For you deserve the congratulations and good wishes on this day. 41 years ago you started a long, hard, wonderful journey - and I am so very thankful and blessed that you did. My gift to you is to now do the same for my own kids. I can only pray that I do as well as you both did.
I love you with all of my heart.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
So blessed, that at the age of 41 I still was able to spend the day yesterday with my mom and dad. We went shopping for some clothes for me and out to dinner together with my kids. When the wine was poured and the order was taken, my parents ever so wonderfully began to offer up a toast to me. But here is where being 41 and a mom of two children has brought me. I didn't feel that I should be the one getting the toast on my birthday. Even though I am honored to feel their love and their pride in me, on the anniversary of my birth, they are the ones that deserve the toast. For it is largely because of them that I am, who I am, today.
So on my birthday, I want to give that toast to my parents. Only now that I have been blessed with two beautiful children of my own, can I fully appreciate all they have done for me - and in awe, say thank you.
Thank you for choosing to have me. For the extreme pain it took, mom, to get me into this world! For getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was still a baby and needed your constant care. Thank you for feeding me, changing me, and keeping a roof over my head. Thank you for working hard and providing for my every need. Thank you for selling some of your treasured possessions - your wedding gown, class ring - when times were tough and your family was in need. Thank you for giving me sisters and a brother to share with, fight with, grow with, and love.
Thank you for taking the leap to move to a house when the apartment got too small for the five of us. For helping me to get on the bus that first day and know that I was strong enough to face that big school all on my own. Thank you for sacrificing so much to send all five of us to Catholic school for a chance at a better education than the one being provided for in our hometown. Thanks for having family dinners with us every night and giving us the chance to sit together and talk about our day. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to the five of us whine, cry, complain, fight and tattle every day - and then still tuck us in, give us kisses, and love us every night.
Thank you for figuring out how to take five kids in a small car anywhere and everywhere. And also for agreeing to bring a friend along for the ride. Thank you for taking us on vacations every summer and not strangling us for saying 100 times "are we there yet?" Thank you for spending everything you didn't have to give us fabulous Christmas's every year - even though it is really the traditions that you gave us that our now most important and dear to our hearts.
Thank you for coming to all my school concerts, plays, fairs, parent nights and shows with a big smile on your face like you would rather be no where else in the world. Thank you for sacrificing your own time to make sure that I had the perfect dress to where, science project, Halloween costume, book report....
Thank you for having the patience to teach me how to brush my teeth, ride a bike, hit a ball, write my name, curl my hair, play the guitar, tie my shoes, read a book, drive a car. And for being so excited when I did.
Thank you for finding a way to pay the medical bills when I was constantly sick as a kid. For rearranging your life to be with me and take care of me at home and in the hospital when I was ill or in need of surgery.
Thank you for making every birthday so special. With a decorated house to wake up to in the morning and a favorite dinner to eat together at night. Thank you for continuing to play the role of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny even when your children were coming home from college to celebrate.
Thank you for encouraging me to reach for the top in high school. To overcome my fears and see that I could do it. Thank you for supporting me to go away to college and then always providing a home to come back to. For making me feel that I could accomplish anything and for being so proud when I did. Thank you for helping me to move 10 times in 10 years and for being there through all of my triumphs and disappointments.
Thank you for my beautiful wedding day. For waiting 28 hours in the waiting room for your grandson to be born. For treating my children like they are God's gift - and for truly believing they are. Thank you for always being only a phone call and a car ride away. And for always saying I love you before saying goodbye.
Thank you for giving up so much to raise my siblings and me. A bigger house, a new car, vacations, dinners out, new clothes, financial security. For sharing one bathroom with five kids for 20+ years. Thank you for the sleepless nights spent worrying how to pay the bills, and for the second and third jobs that would eventually pay them. Thank you for giving everything you had and more so that I could have a wonderful life full of love, family, friends, and treasured memories.
You gave up part of your own life so that I could have mine, and for that I am truly grateful.
For all of these things and for so much more, I send my birthday wishes to you mom and dad. For you deserve the congratulations and good wishes on this day. 41 years ago you started a long, hard, wonderful journey - and I am so very thankful and blessed that you did. My gift to you is to now do the same for my own kids. I can only pray that I do as well as you both did.
I love you with all of my heart.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Back to School
Wow! We made it! Put a brand new kindergartner and first grader on the bus this morning with no tears, lots of kisses and excitement, and just a little bit of nausea (mine of course). After this wonderful morning, I proceeded to miss both kids terribly and wait the hours until their arrival home. Lindsey came home first, smiling and skipping off of the bus. She LOVED school. Wanted to go right back again. Success!!!! Then I spent more time waiting and missing the other kid terribly until he arrived home. After what seemed like forever, Brandon ran off the bus, all smiles and happy about his day. Loved his teacher, his classroom, and lunch in school. Another success!!! Could it really be that the days of crying, anxiety, and not wanting to go to school were really behind us????? Ummmm....No. I forgot that the first day of school is generally easy. It is in anticipation of the second day that the trouble around here begins!
We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school. The day was going great. Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed. And that is when the tears and fears began. My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten. He did not like going to school until 3:00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff. When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy, he said, "Fine. Then I'll just stay home with you all day." Ah. If it were only that easy.
So, what is a mom to do? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started. "I don't want to go to first grade." "It is too long." "Can't I take a week off." "I'm not going to school tomorrow." "I'm scared mommy." "I miss you."
Now, I've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school. I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of. Instead we talked about how it is scary, and tiring, and hard in the beginning. Just like starting most new things are. But that it will get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.
Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that it will get better. Especially children. They want you to make it better right now! So we talked about what he could do to make going to first grade less scary. After we got passed "not going," he thought planning something special for the end of each day might be nice. That would give him something to look forward to and make the day go by faster. He also liked knowing that he still had time for some play and fun activity at the end of the school day.
OK. Problem solved. Time for bed. Ummm...NO! Tears start all over again along with the saddest look of "Mommy, please make this all better for me." We talk about all of the things he already knows how to do in school - ride the bus, read, go to art, gym, and music, add, make friends.... All of those things he doesn't have to be afraid of because he is already a pro at them. We talk about how his teacher is his "school mommy" and how he can always ask her for help or a hug when he needs one. He suggests that I call his teacher and tell her that he is scared so she can help him. I think that is a wonderful suggestion, so I do. He is happy to hear that his teacher adores him already and says that he is doing great. And also that she has lots of hugs waiting for him tomorrow (yes, can you say AWESOME teacher!). That makes him smile and calms him down enough to try and fall asleep.
But his face still says "Make this better mommy!" And I want to. I want to take away his fear and make it all better right now too! But I am learning that he has to go through it. Lots of other new first graders are going through it too. Same as new middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students, and new teachers. If I don't let him go through it, he won't get through it and come out stronger, more confident and capable of handling his fears the next time. I have to aid him in finding a way to comfort himself and find the determination to work through his fears, and even just his exhaustion with a new full day schedule. But I can't do it for him. I want him to tell me how he feels and talk about ways to make things better. But ultimately, he has to experience it and find his own way. And I guess, I have to find my own way to deal with not being able to absorb his pain and take all unpleasant experiences away from him.
Sounds like I have this all figured out, right? Ummm...No. I neglected to mention one more strategy that helped my little worrier fall asleep tonight. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be at the toy store buying a brand new 'pillow pet' for my first grader who promises to get on the bus tomorrow. Bribery. Yes - I admit it. Bribery. I'm a mom. I'll do whatever it takes!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school. The day was going great. Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed. And that is when the tears and fears began. My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten. He did not like going to school until 3:00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff. When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy, he said, "Fine. Then I'll just stay home with you all day." Ah. If it were only that easy.
So, what is a mom to do? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started. "I don't want to go to first grade." "It is too long." "Can't I take a week off." "I'm not going to school tomorrow." "I'm scared mommy." "I miss you."
Now, I've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school. I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of. Instead we talked about how it is scary, and tiring, and hard in the beginning. Just like starting most new things are. But that it will get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.
Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that it will get better. Especially children. They want you to make it better right now! So we talked about what he could do to make going to first grade less scary. After we got passed "not going," he thought planning something special for the end of each day might be nice. That would give him something to look forward to and make the day go by faster. He also liked knowing that he still had time for some play and fun activity at the end of the school day.
OK. Problem solved. Time for bed. Ummm...NO! Tears start all over again along with the saddest look of "Mommy, please make this all better for me." We talk about all of the things he already knows how to do in school - ride the bus, read, go to art, gym, and music, add, make friends.... All of those things he doesn't have to be afraid of because he is already a pro at them. We talk about how his teacher is his "school mommy" and how he can always ask her for help or a hug when he needs one. He suggests that I call his teacher and tell her that he is scared so she can help him. I think that is a wonderful suggestion, so I do. He is happy to hear that his teacher adores him already and says that he is doing great. And also that she has lots of hugs waiting for him tomorrow (yes, can you say AWESOME teacher!). That makes him smile and calms him down enough to try and fall asleep.
But his face still says "Make this better mommy!" And I want to. I want to take away his fear and make it all better right now too! But I am learning that he has to go through it. Lots of other new first graders are going through it too. Same as new middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students, and new teachers. If I don't let him go through it, he won't get through it and come out stronger, more confident and capable of handling his fears the next time. I have to aid him in finding a way to comfort himself and find the determination to work through his fears, and even just his exhaustion with a new full day schedule. But I can't do it for him. I want him to tell me how he feels and talk about ways to make things better. But ultimately, he has to experience it and find his own way. And I guess, I have to find my own way to deal with not being able to absorb his pain and take all unpleasant experiences away from him.
Sounds like I have this all figured out, right? Ummm...No. I neglected to mention one more strategy that helped my little worrier fall asleep tonight. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be at the toy store buying a brand new 'pillow pet' for my first grader who promises to get on the bus tomorrow. Bribery. Yes - I admit it. Bribery. I'm a mom. I'll do whatever it takes!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Mamma Bear
I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point over the last couple of years my kids became people. Little people with their own ideas, opinions and attitudes. People who can talk, read, write, take a shower, make friends, work electronics, play, eat, and do a whole bunch of other things independently now. Granted they are only 5 and 6 years old, but wasn't it just a few years ago that they couldn't eat, change, or even walk by themselves? Now they can actually think for themselves! Well, that is when I actually let them think for themselves.
Lately I have been feeling one of the biggest transitions in taking care of my children since they were born. I can't believe it, but the letting go is already beginning. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until you drop them off at their college dorm room? But no. They are becoming more and more independent every day. And less and less dependent on mommy for their every need. Each day, the line between what they need me to do for them and what they can do for themselves gets a little less clear to me and I find myself struggling at times to figure it out.
When they were babies and then toddlers, my role as protector was very clear. I was the armor between my babies and the rest of the world. No one was going to harm them with me around. If I didn't like how someone was treating my little ones, then I would swoop them up and pull them right out of the situation. I got to say whom they did and did not play with. It was simply my job to decide what my children ate, what clothes they wore, what toys they received, and who their "friends" where.
But it doesn't completely work that way anymore. All the sudden my children are choosing their friends and the games they want to play. Sure. I am ok with that. I can stand back and watch my kids play with their friends on their own. Until of course, I witness my child being teased or treated unfairly. Then I want to step in like a mother bear and take care of the situation pronto! And here is where I am struggling with that fuzzy line between what my kids should be doing for themselves and what I should be doing for them.
Part of me can listen to another child not want to play with my son or daughter, take his or her toy away, boss him or her, or say something mean. Part of me can listen and wait to hear how my child will handle the situation. Wait and see if she or he has the skills and the strength to take care of it on his or her own. And then discuss it later when we are alone to praise how it was handled or to figure out a better way for the next time.
But then there is the other part of me. The part that wants to get right in there and take care of the situation immediately. Solve the disagreement or end the mean behavior right away. And....I'll admit it... make that child who is hurting mine STOP!!! But unless my child is in physical danger, is that the best decision?
My first year of teaching, I was on playground duty during recess one day. (I taught in lower Manhattan, so by "playground" I mean alley-way.) A few minutes in, I noticed a man walking rather fast and furious towards the children. He traveled through the maze of kids to find the one boy he was looking for. When he found him, he picked him up by his shirt collar and began to yell into his face "If you ever bother my son again, I will find you and hurt you." I couldn't believe it. How could a grown man treat a child this way? As a single, childless, 21 year old, I was horrified. Then I became a mom. And now? I'm not as horrified.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to attack any children at a playground anytime soon, but I definitly understand his anger and his need to protect his child against any enemy - even another young child.
To try and figure all of this out, I have been conducting some experiments over the last few weeks with my own favorite "lab rats". I have been waiting longer and longer before I intervene in thier disagreements with each other or with their friends. I have been letting my free thinking children try and figure it out for themselves before 'super mom' comes to the rescue. Allowing them to stand up for themselves and explain their needs and wishes clearly and effectively. And for the most part, I have been happy with the results. They are learning to solve their own problems. Standing up for themselves and finding solutions to disagreements and behaviors that they don't like. And we have been talking about these events later after friends are gone, and it is amazing what they learn from experiences they handle all by themselves.
Thankfully, I am also finding that they still need mom too! Some problems are just to big for their growing brains to handle yet. And one of the best things I can teach them is to begin to determine for themselves which problems they can handle on their own and which ones need the help of their parents or others whom they can trust to love and support them.
If we want to worry less about our children, and have them worry less, then we need to give them the skills and the strength to solve their own problems and make their own decisions. If they are confident in their abilities to handle situations on their own, then they will have less worries throughout their lives.
But children will also have less worries if they have the support and love of trusted adults. Parents who will always be there watching and waiting to lend a hand or a hug when needed. And a mamma who would be willing to face the biggest and meanest bully in the playground just for them!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Lately I have been feeling one of the biggest transitions in taking care of my children since they were born. I can't believe it, but the letting go is already beginning. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until you drop them off at their college dorm room? But no. They are becoming more and more independent every day. And less and less dependent on mommy for their every need. Each day, the line between what they need me to do for them and what they can do for themselves gets a little less clear to me and I find myself struggling at times to figure it out.
When they were babies and then toddlers, my role as protector was very clear. I was the armor between my babies and the rest of the world. No one was going to harm them with me around. If I didn't like how someone was treating my little ones, then I would swoop them up and pull them right out of the situation. I got to say whom they did and did not play with. It was simply my job to decide what my children ate, what clothes they wore, what toys they received, and who their "friends" where.
But it doesn't completely work that way anymore. All the sudden my children are choosing their friends and the games they want to play. Sure. I am ok with that. I can stand back and watch my kids play with their friends on their own. Until of course, I witness my child being teased or treated unfairly. Then I want to step in like a mother bear and take care of the situation pronto! And here is where I am struggling with that fuzzy line between what my kids should be doing for themselves and what I should be doing for them.
Part of me can listen to another child not want to play with my son or daughter, take his or her toy away, boss him or her, or say something mean. Part of me can listen and wait to hear how my child will handle the situation. Wait and see if she or he has the skills and the strength to take care of it on his or her own. And then discuss it later when we are alone to praise how it was handled or to figure out a better way for the next time.
But then there is the other part of me. The part that wants to get right in there and take care of the situation immediately. Solve the disagreement or end the mean behavior right away. And....I'll admit it... make that child who is hurting mine STOP!!! But unless my child is in physical danger, is that the best decision?
My first year of teaching, I was on playground duty during recess one day. (I taught in lower Manhattan, so by "playground" I mean alley-way.) A few minutes in, I noticed a man walking rather fast and furious towards the children. He traveled through the maze of kids to find the one boy he was looking for. When he found him, he picked him up by his shirt collar and began to yell into his face "If you ever bother my son again, I will find you and hurt you." I couldn't believe it. How could a grown man treat a child this way? As a single, childless, 21 year old, I was horrified. Then I became a mom. And now? I'm not as horrified.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to attack any children at a playground anytime soon, but I definitly understand his anger and his need to protect his child against any enemy - even another young child.
To try and figure all of this out, I have been conducting some experiments over the last few weeks with my own favorite "lab rats". I have been waiting longer and longer before I intervene in thier disagreements with each other or with their friends. I have been letting my free thinking children try and figure it out for themselves before 'super mom' comes to the rescue. Allowing them to stand up for themselves and explain their needs and wishes clearly and effectively. And for the most part, I have been happy with the results. They are learning to solve their own problems. Standing up for themselves and finding solutions to disagreements and behaviors that they don't like. And we have been talking about these events later after friends are gone, and it is amazing what they learn from experiences they handle all by themselves.
Thankfully, I am also finding that they still need mom too! Some problems are just to big for their growing brains to handle yet. And one of the best things I can teach them is to begin to determine for themselves which problems they can handle on their own and which ones need the help of their parents or others whom they can trust to love and support them.
If we want to worry less about our children, and have them worry less, then we need to give them the skills and the strength to solve their own problems and make their own decisions. If they are confident in their abilities to handle situations on their own, then they will have less worries throughout their lives.
But children will also have less worries if they have the support and love of trusted adults. Parents who will always be there watching and waiting to lend a hand or a hug when needed. And a mamma who would be willing to face the biggest and meanest bully in the playground just for them!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Into the Mind of a Perfectionist
My husband and I went to see Inception last night. No worries. I won't give away the ending. Not sure I could explain it anyway! But the movie's premise about dream and thought control got me to thinking. What if we were to look inside the mind of a worrier or a perfectionist? What would we see.
Well, since my mind is the only one I have ever had the opportunity to look into, I can tell you what I have seen brewing there throughout my life. As in the movie, the mind thinks it can create and control its own reality. We often use our thoughts to try and find ways to control a situation and its outcome. But as we know, often this does not happen. There are just too many external factors going on for us to ever have complete control over any situation.
OK, I write that last statement like it is something I have always known, when in reality I have only begun to grasp it. As a child dealing with perfectionism, I truly thought if I worked hard enough, worried long enough, or thought things through enough, that I could control my life and achieve the outcomes I desired. If I wanted good grades in school, I just had to work harder than expected and I would get them. And I mean "work harder than excepted." Because as a perfectionist, I was already getting excellent grades. But my mind was such that it felt it always needed to be a step ahead to keep those grades up. I often felt that I was one step away from everything crashing down on me. So in order to prevent that, I would do 110% to guarantee that nothing in my present situation would change. Need to do a 5 page paper to get an A? My mind would say to write 6. Need to exercise 3 days a week to stay fit? My mind would say to exercise 5 days. Eight glasses of water a day for health? Better drink 10. 10 books on the summer reading list? Need to read at least 15. And most of all, the trick was to do all of that while still trying to appear "cool" and "care-free" in front of my friends. In my experience with perfectionism, it wasn't about trying to be perfect - but rather trying to maintain what I assumed was the perfect way to be.
Now what about when I knew ahead of time that there was no way for me to control events to produce a positive outcome? Then I often chose not to participate, rather than deal with the fear of failing or making a 'fool' of myself. Competitive sports? No thanks. As a child I would have rather not participated than make a mistake and be looked at as not good enough. Sure, I would participate sometimes when friends would push, but I would hate every minute of it and go over every detail in my head of what I did wrong when the game was over.
Even though I had done well in elementary school, I was very nervous about going to high school. While I wasn't worried about failing, I was worried that I was not going to perform well enough. I was tracked in the honors class and surrounded by smart, popular kids. You would think I would have felt proud of myself, successful, and intelligent. But instead I felt a deep fear of not living up to expectations - my own expectations of who I thought I should be. So with every award, word of praise, or A+ I got, I became more anxious about having to maintain this image of myself. More fearful that at any minute the world would see that I was not this smart, responsible girl they thought they knew, but the inadequate one that my mind viewed me to be.
In writing this, I am hoping to give you a look into the possible thoughts of the perfectionists and worriers in your own lives. I often go back to this younger version of myself (thank God I have grown so much over the years!)and look to see how someone could have helped her. Like I said, it wasn't anyone else's expectations I was trying to live up to, just ones that I created for myself. It wasn't until I was an adult and had to go through some hard times in which I had absolutely no control over what was to happen, that I learned to give up control. To see that I never really had it anyway.
Maybe my younger self could have been shown how to laugh at herself and not take herself so seriously all the time. Maybe if her friends or teachers shared their own failures or imperfections more, she would have realized that being perfect is non - existent and not something to strive for. I wonder if the schools she went to focused on the beauty of individual differences and strengths rather than on grades and class ranks, she would have learned to be more of an individual and discover her own talents and interests earlier.
Or maybe she was just born this way and one of her paths in life was to discover how to accept and love herself for the person she is and to learn to trust in a power higher than her and to just let go. Yes, it was often a hard and long road to get to where I am now, and I still have further to go in my journey. But the path has brought me to the point in my life where I am now, and I am blessed and happy for that. And if my experiences can help my children and others learn how to overcome their anxieties, than every one of them has been a gift.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Well, since my mind is the only one I have ever had the opportunity to look into, I can tell you what I have seen brewing there throughout my life. As in the movie, the mind thinks it can create and control its own reality. We often use our thoughts to try and find ways to control a situation and its outcome. But as we know, often this does not happen. There are just too many external factors going on for us to ever have complete control over any situation.
OK, I write that last statement like it is something I have always known, when in reality I have only begun to grasp it. As a child dealing with perfectionism, I truly thought if I worked hard enough, worried long enough, or thought things through enough, that I could control my life and achieve the outcomes I desired. If I wanted good grades in school, I just had to work harder than expected and I would get them. And I mean "work harder than excepted." Because as a perfectionist, I was already getting excellent grades. But my mind was such that it felt it always needed to be a step ahead to keep those grades up. I often felt that I was one step away from everything crashing down on me. So in order to prevent that, I would do 110% to guarantee that nothing in my present situation would change. Need to do a 5 page paper to get an A? My mind would say to write 6. Need to exercise 3 days a week to stay fit? My mind would say to exercise 5 days. Eight glasses of water a day for health? Better drink 10. 10 books on the summer reading list? Need to read at least 15. And most of all, the trick was to do all of that while still trying to appear "cool" and "care-free" in front of my friends. In my experience with perfectionism, it wasn't about trying to be perfect - but rather trying to maintain what I assumed was the perfect way to be.
Now what about when I knew ahead of time that there was no way for me to control events to produce a positive outcome? Then I often chose not to participate, rather than deal with the fear of failing or making a 'fool' of myself. Competitive sports? No thanks. As a child I would have rather not participated than make a mistake and be looked at as not good enough. Sure, I would participate sometimes when friends would push, but I would hate every minute of it and go over every detail in my head of what I did wrong when the game was over.
Even though I had done well in elementary school, I was very nervous about going to high school. While I wasn't worried about failing, I was worried that I was not going to perform well enough. I was tracked in the honors class and surrounded by smart, popular kids. You would think I would have felt proud of myself, successful, and intelligent. But instead I felt a deep fear of not living up to expectations - my own expectations of who I thought I should be. So with every award, word of praise, or A+ I got, I became more anxious about having to maintain this image of myself. More fearful that at any minute the world would see that I was not this smart, responsible girl they thought they knew, but the inadequate one that my mind viewed me to be.
In writing this, I am hoping to give you a look into the possible thoughts of the perfectionists and worriers in your own lives. I often go back to this younger version of myself (thank God I have grown so much over the years!)and look to see how someone could have helped her. Like I said, it wasn't anyone else's expectations I was trying to live up to, just ones that I created for myself. It wasn't until I was an adult and had to go through some hard times in which I had absolutely no control over what was to happen, that I learned to give up control. To see that I never really had it anyway.
Maybe my younger self could have been shown how to laugh at herself and not take herself so seriously all the time. Maybe if her friends or teachers shared their own failures or imperfections more, she would have realized that being perfect is non - existent and not something to strive for. I wonder if the schools she went to focused on the beauty of individual differences and strengths rather than on grades and class ranks, she would have learned to be more of an individual and discover her own talents and interests earlier.
Or maybe she was just born this way and one of her paths in life was to discover how to accept and love herself for the person she is and to learn to trust in a power higher than her and to just let go. Yes, it was often a hard and long road to get to where I am now, and I still have further to go in my journey. But the path has brought me to the point in my life where I am now, and I am blessed and happy for that. And if my experiences can help my children and others learn how to overcome their anxieties, than every one of them has been a gift.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
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