Seriously. How can I be this lucky? I had friends over tonight that I haven't seen in over a year. One thing led to another and we weren't able to get together lately. But we got together tonight. And you know what? It was like we have never been apart.
Conversation flowed easily and we laughed and talked like we saw each other just yesterday. Our kids played with each other like they have seen each other in class every day. What a great night!
Why? Because these are friends who cared. These are friends who were there when life was tough. These friends have seen me through the worst of times and the best of times. These are friends who have cried with me, rejoiced with me, and have been deep down, stripped down, honest with me. They have lived with me through life's transormations. They have had their experiences in life that bring you so far down that the only place to go is up. They have experienced that the challenges we face in life are the ones that make us grow....that change us into the wonderful beings we are now.
How wonderful it is to have friends that understand that life is crazy and that everyday contact sometimes gets lost. It doesn't mean you don't love them and aren't thinking of them. It just means that you are doing what you talked about for hours on end...being married, having children, building a family, loving life.
The universe gives you people in your life for all the times in your life. But the divine also gives you people that are meant to stay in your life. These are the people who won't leave you no matter what. The people who have learned that having the most impressive house, the finest things, or the the most prestigious job mean nothing. But having the family and friends that will stay with you and support you through anything is what matters most.
One of these friends told me once that my dream was coming. It was just on a local train rather than an express train. I will never forget that. Because I have since gotten off the express train and am very happy to be on the local train. To live life day by day and enjoy all that each day brings.
So thank you to all my dear friends. Thank you for being my treasured friends even if we aren't able to talk every day, every week, every month. Because you know that I, we, are always there for each other...a thought, a prayer, a phone call. Because when you have this kind of connection, there really is nothing that can break it.
I love you. Thank you for all you have done for me and continue to do for me. My hope is to continue to give back to you.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me?
Wow. 41. Crazy. How did that happen??? I don't feel 41, so it doesn't really affect me that much. I'm just happy to have this day to celebrate with my family and friends, and to be thankful for all the wonderful gifts I have been given in my life. I am truly blessed.
So blessed, that at the age of 41 I still was able to spend the day yesterday with my mom and dad. We went shopping for some clothes for me and out to dinner together with my kids. When the wine was poured and the order was taken, my parents ever so wonderfully began to offer up a toast to me. But here is where being 41 and a mom of two children has brought me. I didn't feel that I should be the one getting the toast on my birthday. Even though I am honored to feel their love and their pride in me, on the anniversary of my birth, they are the ones that deserve the toast. For it is largely because of them that I am, who I am, today.
So on my birthday, I want to give that toast to my parents. Only now that I have been blessed with two beautiful children of my own, can I fully appreciate all they have done for me - and in awe, say thank you.
Thank you for choosing to have me. For the extreme pain it took, mom, to get me into this world! For getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was still a baby and needed your constant care. Thank you for feeding me, changing me, and keeping a roof over my head. Thank you for working hard and providing for my every need. Thank you for selling some of your treasured possessions - your wedding gown, class ring - when times were tough and your family was in need. Thank you for giving me sisters and a brother to share with, fight with, grow with, and love.
Thank you for taking the leap to move to a house when the apartment got too small for the five of us. For helping me to get on the bus that first day and know that I was strong enough to face that big school all on my own. Thank you for sacrificing so much to send all five of us to Catholic school for a chance at a better education than the one being provided for in our hometown. Thanks for having family dinners with us every night and giving us the chance to sit together and talk about our day. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to the five of us whine, cry, complain, fight and tattle every day - and then still tuck us in, give us kisses, and love us every night.
Thank you for figuring out how to take five kids in a small car anywhere and everywhere. And also for agreeing to bring a friend along for the ride. Thank you for taking us on vacations every summer and not strangling us for saying 100 times "are we there yet?" Thank you for spending everything you didn't have to give us fabulous Christmas's every year - even though it is really the traditions that you gave us that our now most important and dear to our hearts.
Thank you for coming to all my school concerts, plays, fairs, parent nights and shows with a big smile on your face like you would rather be no where else in the world. Thank you for sacrificing your own time to make sure that I had the perfect dress to where, science project, Halloween costume, book report....
Thank you for having the patience to teach me how to brush my teeth, ride a bike, hit a ball, write my name, curl my hair, play the guitar, tie my shoes, read a book, drive a car. And for being so excited when I did.
Thank you for finding a way to pay the medical bills when I was constantly sick as a kid. For rearranging your life to be with me and take care of me at home and in the hospital when I was ill or in need of surgery.
Thank you for making every birthday so special. With a decorated house to wake up to in the morning and a favorite dinner to eat together at night. Thank you for continuing to play the role of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny even when your children were coming home from college to celebrate.
Thank you for encouraging me to reach for the top in high school. To overcome my fears and see that I could do it. Thank you for supporting me to go away to college and then always providing a home to come back to. For making me feel that I could accomplish anything and for being so proud when I did. Thank you for helping me to move 10 times in 10 years and for being there through all of my triumphs and disappointments.
Thank you for my beautiful wedding day. For waiting 28 hours in the waiting room for your grandson to be born. For treating my children like they are God's gift - and for truly believing they are. Thank you for always being only a phone call and a car ride away. And for always saying I love you before saying goodbye.
Thank you for giving up so much to raise my siblings and me. A bigger house, a new car, vacations, dinners out, new clothes, financial security. For sharing one bathroom with five kids for 20+ years. Thank you for the sleepless nights spent worrying how to pay the bills, and for the second and third jobs that would eventually pay them. Thank you for giving everything you had and more so that I could have a wonderful life full of love, family, friends, and treasured memories.
You gave up part of your own life so that I could have mine, and for that I am truly grateful.
For all of these things and for so much more, I send my birthday wishes to you mom and dad. For you deserve the congratulations and good wishes on this day. 41 years ago you started a long, hard, wonderful journey - and I am so very thankful and blessed that you did. My gift to you is to now do the same for my own kids. I can only pray that I do as well as you both did.
I love you with all of my heart.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
So blessed, that at the age of 41 I still was able to spend the day yesterday with my mom and dad. We went shopping for some clothes for me and out to dinner together with my kids. When the wine was poured and the order was taken, my parents ever so wonderfully began to offer up a toast to me. But here is where being 41 and a mom of two children has brought me. I didn't feel that I should be the one getting the toast on my birthday. Even though I am honored to feel their love and their pride in me, on the anniversary of my birth, they are the ones that deserve the toast. For it is largely because of them that I am, who I am, today.
So on my birthday, I want to give that toast to my parents. Only now that I have been blessed with two beautiful children of my own, can I fully appreciate all they have done for me - and in awe, say thank you.
Thank you for choosing to have me. For the extreme pain it took, mom, to get me into this world! For getting up with me in the middle of the night when I was still a baby and needed your constant care. Thank you for feeding me, changing me, and keeping a roof over my head. Thank you for working hard and providing for my every need. Thank you for selling some of your treasured possessions - your wedding gown, class ring - when times were tough and your family was in need. Thank you for giving me sisters and a brother to share with, fight with, grow with, and love.
Thank you for taking the leap to move to a house when the apartment got too small for the five of us. For helping me to get on the bus that first day and know that I was strong enough to face that big school all on my own. Thank you for sacrificing so much to send all five of us to Catholic school for a chance at a better education than the one being provided for in our hometown. Thanks for having family dinners with us every night and giving us the chance to sit together and talk about our day. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to the five of us whine, cry, complain, fight and tattle every day - and then still tuck us in, give us kisses, and love us every night.
Thank you for figuring out how to take five kids in a small car anywhere and everywhere. And also for agreeing to bring a friend along for the ride. Thank you for taking us on vacations every summer and not strangling us for saying 100 times "are we there yet?" Thank you for spending everything you didn't have to give us fabulous Christmas's every year - even though it is really the traditions that you gave us that our now most important and dear to our hearts.
Thank you for coming to all my school concerts, plays, fairs, parent nights and shows with a big smile on your face like you would rather be no where else in the world. Thank you for sacrificing your own time to make sure that I had the perfect dress to where, science project, Halloween costume, book report....
Thank you for having the patience to teach me how to brush my teeth, ride a bike, hit a ball, write my name, curl my hair, play the guitar, tie my shoes, read a book, drive a car. And for being so excited when I did.
Thank you for finding a way to pay the medical bills when I was constantly sick as a kid. For rearranging your life to be with me and take care of me at home and in the hospital when I was ill or in need of surgery.
Thank you for making every birthday so special. With a decorated house to wake up to in the morning and a favorite dinner to eat together at night. Thank you for continuing to play the role of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny even when your children were coming home from college to celebrate.
Thank you for encouraging me to reach for the top in high school. To overcome my fears and see that I could do it. Thank you for supporting me to go away to college and then always providing a home to come back to. For making me feel that I could accomplish anything and for being so proud when I did. Thank you for helping me to move 10 times in 10 years and for being there through all of my triumphs and disappointments.
Thank you for my beautiful wedding day. For waiting 28 hours in the waiting room for your grandson to be born. For treating my children like they are God's gift - and for truly believing they are. Thank you for always being only a phone call and a car ride away. And for always saying I love you before saying goodbye.
Thank you for giving up so much to raise my siblings and me. A bigger house, a new car, vacations, dinners out, new clothes, financial security. For sharing one bathroom with five kids for 20+ years. Thank you for the sleepless nights spent worrying how to pay the bills, and for the second and third jobs that would eventually pay them. Thank you for giving everything you had and more so that I could have a wonderful life full of love, family, friends, and treasured memories.
You gave up part of your own life so that I could have mine, and for that I am truly grateful.
For all of these things and for so much more, I send my birthday wishes to you mom and dad. For you deserve the congratulations and good wishes on this day. 41 years ago you started a long, hard, wonderful journey - and I am so very thankful and blessed that you did. My gift to you is to now do the same for my own kids. I can only pray that I do as well as you both did.
I love you with all of my heart.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Back to School
Wow! We made it! Put a brand new kindergartner and first grader on the bus this morning with no tears, lots of kisses and excitement, and just a little bit of nausea (mine of course). After this wonderful morning, I proceeded to miss both kids terribly and wait the hours until their arrival home. Lindsey came home first, smiling and skipping off of the bus. She LOVED school. Wanted to go right back again. Success!!!! Then I spent more time waiting and missing the other kid terribly until he arrived home. After what seemed like forever, Brandon ran off the bus, all smiles and happy about his day. Loved his teacher, his classroom, and lunch in school. Another success!!! Could it really be that the days of crying, anxiety, and not wanting to go to school were really behind us????? Ummmm....No. I forgot that the first day of school is generally easy. It is in anticipation of the second day that the trouble around here begins!
We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school. The day was going great. Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed. And that is when the tears and fears began. My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten. He did not like going to school until 3:00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff. When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy, he said, "Fine. Then I'll just stay home with you all day." Ah. If it were only that easy.
So, what is a mom to do? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started. "I don't want to go to first grade." "It is too long." "Can't I take a week off." "I'm not going to school tomorrow." "I'm scared mommy." "I miss you."
Now, I've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school. I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of. Instead we talked about how it is scary, and tiring, and hard in the beginning. Just like starting most new things are. But that it will get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.
Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that it will get better. Especially children. They want you to make it better right now! So we talked about what he could do to make going to first grade less scary. After we got passed "not going," he thought planning something special for the end of each day might be nice. That would give him something to look forward to and make the day go by faster. He also liked knowing that he still had time for some play and fun activity at the end of the school day.
OK. Problem solved. Time for bed. Ummm...NO! Tears start all over again along with the saddest look of "Mommy, please make this all better for me." We talk about all of the things he already knows how to do in school - ride the bus, read, go to art, gym, and music, add, make friends.... All of those things he doesn't have to be afraid of because he is already a pro at them. We talk about how his teacher is his "school mommy" and how he can always ask her for help or a hug when he needs one. He suggests that I call his teacher and tell her that he is scared so she can help him. I think that is a wonderful suggestion, so I do. He is happy to hear that his teacher adores him already and says that he is doing great. And also that she has lots of hugs waiting for him tomorrow (yes, can you say AWESOME teacher!). That makes him smile and calms him down enough to try and fall asleep.
But his face still says "Make this better mommy!" And I want to. I want to take away his fear and make it all better right now too! But I am learning that he has to go through it. Lots of other new first graders are going through it too. Same as new middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students, and new teachers. If I don't let him go through it, he won't get through it and come out stronger, more confident and capable of handling his fears the next time. I have to aid him in finding a way to comfort himself and find the determination to work through his fears, and even just his exhaustion with a new full day schedule. But I can't do it for him. I want him to tell me how he feels and talk about ways to make things better. But ultimately, he has to experience it and find his own way. And I guess, I have to find my own way to deal with not being able to absorb his pain and take all unpleasant experiences away from him.
Sounds like I have this all figured out, right? Ummm...No. I neglected to mention one more strategy that helped my little worrier fall asleep tonight. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be at the toy store buying a brand new 'pillow pet' for my first grader who promises to get on the bus tomorrow. Bribery. Yes - I admit it. Bribery. I'm a mom. I'll do whatever it takes!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school. The day was going great. Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed. And that is when the tears and fears began. My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten. He did not like going to school until 3:00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff. When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy, he said, "Fine. Then I'll just stay home with you all day." Ah. If it were only that easy.
So, what is a mom to do? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started. "I don't want to go to first grade." "It is too long." "Can't I take a week off." "I'm not going to school tomorrow." "I'm scared mommy." "I miss you."
Now, I've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school. I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of. Instead we talked about how it is scary, and tiring, and hard in the beginning. Just like starting most new things are. But that it will get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.
Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that it will get better. Especially children. They want you to make it better right now! So we talked about what he could do to make going to first grade less scary. After we got passed "not going," he thought planning something special for the end of each day might be nice. That would give him something to look forward to and make the day go by faster. He also liked knowing that he still had time for some play and fun activity at the end of the school day.
OK. Problem solved. Time for bed. Ummm...NO! Tears start all over again along with the saddest look of "Mommy, please make this all better for me." We talk about all of the things he already knows how to do in school - ride the bus, read, go to art, gym, and music, add, make friends.... All of those things he doesn't have to be afraid of because he is already a pro at them. We talk about how his teacher is his "school mommy" and how he can always ask her for help or a hug when he needs one. He suggests that I call his teacher and tell her that he is scared so she can help him. I think that is a wonderful suggestion, so I do. He is happy to hear that his teacher adores him already and says that he is doing great. And also that she has lots of hugs waiting for him tomorrow (yes, can you say AWESOME teacher!). That makes him smile and calms him down enough to try and fall asleep.
But his face still says "Make this better mommy!" And I want to. I want to take away his fear and make it all better right now too! But I am learning that he has to go through it. Lots of other new first graders are going through it too. Same as new middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students, and new teachers. If I don't let him go through it, he won't get through it and come out stronger, more confident and capable of handling his fears the next time. I have to aid him in finding a way to comfort himself and find the determination to work through his fears, and even just his exhaustion with a new full day schedule. But I can't do it for him. I want him to tell me how he feels and talk about ways to make things better. But ultimately, he has to experience it and find his own way. And I guess, I have to find my own way to deal with not being able to absorb his pain and take all unpleasant experiences away from him.
Sounds like I have this all figured out, right? Ummm...No. I neglected to mention one more strategy that helped my little worrier fall asleep tonight. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be at the toy store buying a brand new 'pillow pet' for my first grader who promises to get on the bus tomorrow. Bribery. Yes - I admit it. Bribery. I'm a mom. I'll do whatever it takes!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Mamma Bear
I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point over the last couple of years my kids became people. Little people with their own ideas, opinions and attitudes. People who can talk, read, write, take a shower, make friends, work electronics, play, eat, and do a whole bunch of other things independently now. Granted they are only 5 and 6 years old, but wasn't it just a few years ago that they couldn't eat, change, or even walk by themselves? Now they can actually think for themselves! Well, that is when I actually let them think for themselves.
Lately I have been feeling one of the biggest transitions in taking care of my children since they were born. I can't believe it, but the letting go is already beginning. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until you drop them off at their college dorm room? But no. They are becoming more and more independent every day. And less and less dependent on mommy for their every need. Each day, the line between what they need me to do for them and what they can do for themselves gets a little less clear to me and I find myself struggling at times to figure it out.
When they were babies and then toddlers, my role as protector was very clear. I was the armor between my babies and the rest of the world. No one was going to harm them with me around. If I didn't like how someone was treating my little ones, then I would swoop them up and pull them right out of the situation. I got to say whom they did and did not play with. It was simply my job to decide what my children ate, what clothes they wore, what toys they received, and who their "friends" where.
But it doesn't completely work that way anymore. All the sudden my children are choosing their friends and the games they want to play. Sure. I am ok with that. I can stand back and watch my kids play with their friends on their own. Until of course, I witness my child being teased or treated unfairly. Then I want to step in like a mother bear and take care of the situation pronto! And here is where I am struggling with that fuzzy line between what my kids should be doing for themselves and what I should be doing for them.
Part of me can listen to another child not want to play with my son or daughter, take his or her toy away, boss him or her, or say something mean. Part of me can listen and wait to hear how my child will handle the situation. Wait and see if she or he has the skills and the strength to take care of it on his or her own. And then discuss it later when we are alone to praise how it was handled or to figure out a better way for the next time.
But then there is the other part of me. The part that wants to get right in there and take care of the situation immediately. Solve the disagreement or end the mean behavior right away. And....I'll admit it... make that child who is hurting mine STOP!!! But unless my child is in physical danger, is that the best decision?
My first year of teaching, I was on playground duty during recess one day. (I taught in lower Manhattan, so by "playground" I mean alley-way.) A few minutes in, I noticed a man walking rather fast and furious towards the children. He traveled through the maze of kids to find the one boy he was looking for. When he found him, he picked him up by his shirt collar and began to yell into his face "If you ever bother my son again, I will find you and hurt you." I couldn't believe it. How could a grown man treat a child this way? As a single, childless, 21 year old, I was horrified. Then I became a mom. And now? I'm not as horrified.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to attack any children at a playground anytime soon, but I definitly understand his anger and his need to protect his child against any enemy - even another young child.
To try and figure all of this out, I have been conducting some experiments over the last few weeks with my own favorite "lab rats". I have been waiting longer and longer before I intervene in thier disagreements with each other or with their friends. I have been letting my free thinking children try and figure it out for themselves before 'super mom' comes to the rescue. Allowing them to stand up for themselves and explain their needs and wishes clearly and effectively. And for the most part, I have been happy with the results. They are learning to solve their own problems. Standing up for themselves and finding solutions to disagreements and behaviors that they don't like. And we have been talking about these events later after friends are gone, and it is amazing what they learn from experiences they handle all by themselves.
Thankfully, I am also finding that they still need mom too! Some problems are just to big for their growing brains to handle yet. And one of the best things I can teach them is to begin to determine for themselves which problems they can handle on their own and which ones need the help of their parents or others whom they can trust to love and support them.
If we want to worry less about our children, and have them worry less, then we need to give them the skills and the strength to solve their own problems and make their own decisions. If they are confident in their abilities to handle situations on their own, then they will have less worries throughout their lives.
But children will also have less worries if they have the support and love of trusted adults. Parents who will always be there watching and waiting to lend a hand or a hug when needed. And a mamma who would be willing to face the biggest and meanest bully in the playground just for them!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Lately I have been feeling one of the biggest transitions in taking care of my children since they were born. I can't believe it, but the letting go is already beginning. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until you drop them off at their college dorm room? But no. They are becoming more and more independent every day. And less and less dependent on mommy for their every need. Each day, the line between what they need me to do for them and what they can do for themselves gets a little less clear to me and I find myself struggling at times to figure it out.
When they were babies and then toddlers, my role as protector was very clear. I was the armor between my babies and the rest of the world. No one was going to harm them with me around. If I didn't like how someone was treating my little ones, then I would swoop them up and pull them right out of the situation. I got to say whom they did and did not play with. It was simply my job to decide what my children ate, what clothes they wore, what toys they received, and who their "friends" where.
But it doesn't completely work that way anymore. All the sudden my children are choosing their friends and the games they want to play. Sure. I am ok with that. I can stand back and watch my kids play with their friends on their own. Until of course, I witness my child being teased or treated unfairly. Then I want to step in like a mother bear and take care of the situation pronto! And here is where I am struggling with that fuzzy line between what my kids should be doing for themselves and what I should be doing for them.
Part of me can listen to another child not want to play with my son or daughter, take his or her toy away, boss him or her, or say something mean. Part of me can listen and wait to hear how my child will handle the situation. Wait and see if she or he has the skills and the strength to take care of it on his or her own. And then discuss it later when we are alone to praise how it was handled or to figure out a better way for the next time.
But then there is the other part of me. The part that wants to get right in there and take care of the situation immediately. Solve the disagreement or end the mean behavior right away. And....I'll admit it... make that child who is hurting mine STOP!!! But unless my child is in physical danger, is that the best decision?
My first year of teaching, I was on playground duty during recess one day. (I taught in lower Manhattan, so by "playground" I mean alley-way.) A few minutes in, I noticed a man walking rather fast and furious towards the children. He traveled through the maze of kids to find the one boy he was looking for. When he found him, he picked him up by his shirt collar and began to yell into his face "If you ever bother my son again, I will find you and hurt you." I couldn't believe it. How could a grown man treat a child this way? As a single, childless, 21 year old, I was horrified. Then I became a mom. And now? I'm not as horrified.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to attack any children at a playground anytime soon, but I definitly understand his anger and his need to protect his child against any enemy - even another young child.
To try and figure all of this out, I have been conducting some experiments over the last few weeks with my own favorite "lab rats". I have been waiting longer and longer before I intervene in thier disagreements with each other or with their friends. I have been letting my free thinking children try and figure it out for themselves before 'super mom' comes to the rescue. Allowing them to stand up for themselves and explain their needs and wishes clearly and effectively. And for the most part, I have been happy with the results. They are learning to solve their own problems. Standing up for themselves and finding solutions to disagreements and behaviors that they don't like. And we have been talking about these events later after friends are gone, and it is amazing what they learn from experiences they handle all by themselves.
Thankfully, I am also finding that they still need mom too! Some problems are just to big for their growing brains to handle yet. And one of the best things I can teach them is to begin to determine for themselves which problems they can handle on their own and which ones need the help of their parents or others whom they can trust to love and support them.
If we want to worry less about our children, and have them worry less, then we need to give them the skills and the strength to solve their own problems and make their own decisions. If they are confident in their abilities to handle situations on their own, then they will have less worries throughout their lives.
But children will also have less worries if they have the support and love of trusted adults. Parents who will always be there watching and waiting to lend a hand or a hug when needed. And a mamma who would be willing to face the biggest and meanest bully in the playground just for them!
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Into the Mind of a Perfectionist
My husband and I went to see Inception last night. No worries. I won't give away the ending. Not sure I could explain it anyway! But the movie's premise about dream and thought control got me to thinking. What if we were to look inside the mind of a worrier or a perfectionist? What would we see.
Well, since my mind is the only one I have ever had the opportunity to look into, I can tell you what I have seen brewing there throughout my life. As in the movie, the mind thinks it can create and control its own reality. We often use our thoughts to try and find ways to control a situation and its outcome. But as we know, often this does not happen. There are just too many external factors going on for us to ever have complete control over any situation.
OK, I write that last statement like it is something I have always known, when in reality I have only begun to grasp it. As a child dealing with perfectionism, I truly thought if I worked hard enough, worried long enough, or thought things through enough, that I could control my life and achieve the outcomes I desired. If I wanted good grades in school, I just had to work harder than expected and I would get them. And I mean "work harder than excepted." Because as a perfectionist, I was already getting excellent grades. But my mind was such that it felt it always needed to be a step ahead to keep those grades up. I often felt that I was one step away from everything crashing down on me. So in order to prevent that, I would do 110% to guarantee that nothing in my present situation would change. Need to do a 5 page paper to get an A? My mind would say to write 6. Need to exercise 3 days a week to stay fit? My mind would say to exercise 5 days. Eight glasses of water a day for health? Better drink 10. 10 books on the summer reading list? Need to read at least 15. And most of all, the trick was to do all of that while still trying to appear "cool" and "care-free" in front of my friends. In my experience with perfectionism, it wasn't about trying to be perfect - but rather trying to maintain what I assumed was the perfect way to be.
Now what about when I knew ahead of time that there was no way for me to control events to produce a positive outcome? Then I often chose not to participate, rather than deal with the fear of failing or making a 'fool' of myself. Competitive sports? No thanks. As a child I would have rather not participated than make a mistake and be looked at as not good enough. Sure, I would participate sometimes when friends would push, but I would hate every minute of it and go over every detail in my head of what I did wrong when the game was over.
Even though I had done well in elementary school, I was very nervous about going to high school. While I wasn't worried about failing, I was worried that I was not going to perform well enough. I was tracked in the honors class and surrounded by smart, popular kids. You would think I would have felt proud of myself, successful, and intelligent. But instead I felt a deep fear of not living up to expectations - my own expectations of who I thought I should be. So with every award, word of praise, or A+ I got, I became more anxious about having to maintain this image of myself. More fearful that at any minute the world would see that I was not this smart, responsible girl they thought they knew, but the inadequate one that my mind viewed me to be.
In writing this, I am hoping to give you a look into the possible thoughts of the perfectionists and worriers in your own lives. I often go back to this younger version of myself (thank God I have grown so much over the years!)and look to see how someone could have helped her. Like I said, it wasn't anyone else's expectations I was trying to live up to, just ones that I created for myself. It wasn't until I was an adult and had to go through some hard times in which I had absolutely no control over what was to happen, that I learned to give up control. To see that I never really had it anyway.
Maybe my younger self could have been shown how to laugh at herself and not take herself so seriously all the time. Maybe if her friends or teachers shared their own failures or imperfections more, she would have realized that being perfect is non - existent and not something to strive for. I wonder if the schools she went to focused on the beauty of individual differences and strengths rather than on grades and class ranks, she would have learned to be more of an individual and discover her own talents and interests earlier.
Or maybe she was just born this way and one of her paths in life was to discover how to accept and love herself for the person she is and to learn to trust in a power higher than her and to just let go. Yes, it was often a hard and long road to get to where I am now, and I still have further to go in my journey. But the path has brought me to the point in my life where I am now, and I am blessed and happy for that. And if my experiences can help my children and others learn how to overcome their anxieties, than every one of them has been a gift.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Well, since my mind is the only one I have ever had the opportunity to look into, I can tell you what I have seen brewing there throughout my life. As in the movie, the mind thinks it can create and control its own reality. We often use our thoughts to try and find ways to control a situation and its outcome. But as we know, often this does not happen. There are just too many external factors going on for us to ever have complete control over any situation.
OK, I write that last statement like it is something I have always known, when in reality I have only begun to grasp it. As a child dealing with perfectionism, I truly thought if I worked hard enough, worried long enough, or thought things through enough, that I could control my life and achieve the outcomes I desired. If I wanted good grades in school, I just had to work harder than expected and I would get them. And I mean "work harder than excepted." Because as a perfectionist, I was already getting excellent grades. But my mind was such that it felt it always needed to be a step ahead to keep those grades up. I often felt that I was one step away from everything crashing down on me. So in order to prevent that, I would do 110% to guarantee that nothing in my present situation would change. Need to do a 5 page paper to get an A? My mind would say to write 6. Need to exercise 3 days a week to stay fit? My mind would say to exercise 5 days. Eight glasses of water a day for health? Better drink 10. 10 books on the summer reading list? Need to read at least 15. And most of all, the trick was to do all of that while still trying to appear "cool" and "care-free" in front of my friends. In my experience with perfectionism, it wasn't about trying to be perfect - but rather trying to maintain what I assumed was the perfect way to be.
Now what about when I knew ahead of time that there was no way for me to control events to produce a positive outcome? Then I often chose not to participate, rather than deal with the fear of failing or making a 'fool' of myself. Competitive sports? No thanks. As a child I would have rather not participated than make a mistake and be looked at as not good enough. Sure, I would participate sometimes when friends would push, but I would hate every minute of it and go over every detail in my head of what I did wrong when the game was over.
Even though I had done well in elementary school, I was very nervous about going to high school. While I wasn't worried about failing, I was worried that I was not going to perform well enough. I was tracked in the honors class and surrounded by smart, popular kids. You would think I would have felt proud of myself, successful, and intelligent. But instead I felt a deep fear of not living up to expectations - my own expectations of who I thought I should be. So with every award, word of praise, or A+ I got, I became more anxious about having to maintain this image of myself. More fearful that at any minute the world would see that I was not this smart, responsible girl they thought they knew, but the inadequate one that my mind viewed me to be.
In writing this, I am hoping to give you a look into the possible thoughts of the perfectionists and worriers in your own lives. I often go back to this younger version of myself (thank God I have grown so much over the years!)and look to see how someone could have helped her. Like I said, it wasn't anyone else's expectations I was trying to live up to, just ones that I created for myself. It wasn't until I was an adult and had to go through some hard times in which I had absolutely no control over what was to happen, that I learned to give up control. To see that I never really had it anyway.
Maybe my younger self could have been shown how to laugh at herself and not take herself so seriously all the time. Maybe if her friends or teachers shared their own failures or imperfections more, she would have realized that being perfect is non - existent and not something to strive for. I wonder if the schools she went to focused on the beauty of individual differences and strengths rather than on grades and class ranks, she would have learned to be more of an individual and discover her own talents and interests earlier.
Or maybe she was just born this way and one of her paths in life was to discover how to accept and love herself for the person she is and to learn to trust in a power higher than her and to just let go. Yes, it was often a hard and long road to get to where I am now, and I still have further to go in my journey. But the path has brought me to the point in my life where I am now, and I am blessed and happy for that. And if my experiences can help my children and others learn how to overcome their anxieties, than every one of them has been a gift.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Wisdom of Our Elders
Visiting my grandmother in the nursing home always stirs up a mix of feelings for me. I have begun to get used to the fact that she doesn't remember who I am most of the time, and that she definitely has no idea who my kids are. I have also come to accept that with her physical ailments and her dementia, this is the best place for her to be. I accept it even if it makes me sad to see her there. It is so very hard to see someone who was once so vibrant and active - a mother of 7 children and 2 foster children! - now wear an ankle monitor, sit in a wheelchair, and need 24 hour care. We used to spend time together talking, shopping, traveling, going to the beach. She was always energetic and in love with life. She had a tremendous love for animals and people and she could talk to anyone - from the cashier at the local supermarket to the friends I would bring to her house on the Cape. Now much of what she says is jumbled with criss-crossed memories of the many different events and times of her life. But even though her mind and her body are failing her in so many ways, I am still touched by her spirit every time I go and see her.
My grandma has always been someone I looked up to as being positive and full of love and faith. Being around her, I still get that feeling. The feeling that life is beautiful and is meant to be enjoyed. When I arrived at the nursing home today, she was sitting outside in her wheelchair beside my father. She had her eyes closed, her head up, and was soaking in the sun. A big smile came over her face as she took a deep breath and inhaled the fresh, warm air. Then she just sighed a happy "mmmmm" and clasped her hands in prayer. Sitting in her wheelchair in the late morning sun, she looked like the happiest person in the world. And at that moment, she just may have been.
Later in our visit, my kids discovered a butterfly and proceeded to go about catching it. This little activity caused quite a bit of noise as they knocked into benches and bushes outside and kept setting off the automatic doors to open and close. Not wanting them to disturb anyone (or break anything or anyone!), I asked them to settle down and come talk to their great-grandma. But my grandma wouldn't have it. "Let them get that butterfly," she said. "That is what kids do." Then she again closed her eyes, and got a big smile on her face and said, "And please let them keep laughing." Even though she could not remember who these children were in relation to her, they were still children. And they were children who were bringing her such joy just by being kids. Being in the moment. Laughing, enjoying the day, and not having a care in the world.
Happiness in the present moment. The greatest gift there is because the present moment is all we really have anyway. And what a treasure to be happy in it! Today, my grandmother reminded me of this. She may not have her memories of the past and no sense of the future, but she still has the present moment. And she still can enjoy that. Maybe more so than the rest of us, because it is not cluttered with regrets of the past and worries about the future.
The next time I find myself in the past or future of my hurried mind, I am going to try and remember my grandmother's smile from today as she felt the sun and listened to the kids' laughter. And I am going to use that image to remember to appreciate the moment. The beauty around me. The love of my kids. My health. My family and friends. The many blessings in my life. And then I am going to take in my own deep breath, soak it all in, and thankfully clasp my hands in prayer.
Thank you grandma. I love you.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
My grandma has always been someone I looked up to as being positive and full of love and faith. Being around her, I still get that feeling. The feeling that life is beautiful and is meant to be enjoyed. When I arrived at the nursing home today, she was sitting outside in her wheelchair beside my father. She had her eyes closed, her head up, and was soaking in the sun. A big smile came over her face as she took a deep breath and inhaled the fresh, warm air. Then she just sighed a happy "mmmmm" and clasped her hands in prayer. Sitting in her wheelchair in the late morning sun, she looked like the happiest person in the world. And at that moment, she just may have been.
Later in our visit, my kids discovered a butterfly and proceeded to go about catching it. This little activity caused quite a bit of noise as they knocked into benches and bushes outside and kept setting off the automatic doors to open and close. Not wanting them to disturb anyone (or break anything or anyone!), I asked them to settle down and come talk to their great-grandma. But my grandma wouldn't have it. "Let them get that butterfly," she said. "That is what kids do." Then she again closed her eyes, and got a big smile on her face and said, "And please let them keep laughing." Even though she could not remember who these children were in relation to her, they were still children. And they were children who were bringing her such joy just by being kids. Being in the moment. Laughing, enjoying the day, and not having a care in the world.
Happiness in the present moment. The greatest gift there is because the present moment is all we really have anyway. And what a treasure to be happy in it! Today, my grandmother reminded me of this. She may not have her memories of the past and no sense of the future, but she still has the present moment. And she still can enjoy that. Maybe more so than the rest of us, because it is not cluttered with regrets of the past and worries about the future.
The next time I find myself in the past or future of my hurried mind, I am going to try and remember my grandmother's smile from today as she felt the sun and listened to the kids' laughter. And I am going to use that image to remember to appreciate the moment. The beauty around me. The love of my kids. My health. My family and friends. The many blessings in my life. And then I am going to take in my own deep breath, soak it all in, and thankfully clasp my hands in prayer.
Thank you grandma. I love you.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Moving Days
Change is hard. It is hard for adults and it is hard for children. But change can also be a good thing. It can sometimes be very hard to see the good in it when you are going through it. But after you experience enough of it in your life, you start to learn that it is inevitable and that it can often lead to something even better.
Moving is a huge change. A huge change and a huge stress for a family. And not only for the family that is moving, but for the families that are left behind. Since my family is the one experiencing the loss of two close family friends moving right now, that is the one I am focused on.
Luckily we treasure the friends that are moving right now and when we say "good-bye" it is not really a final one. We will still see them. We will still be close friends. It is just the dynamics of our friendship is changing. Meeting at the coffee shop for a cafe mocha can't just be spontaneous anymore, it will need to be more planned. Having their kids over to play for the afternoon can't just be a drive by request, but now needs to be scheduled a little bit ahead. Popping over for a glass of wine may now need to be placed on the calendar ahead of time. Working or volunteering together may not be quite as easy. Ugh. Just writing this and thinking of it this way brings me down. And it is surely not the way I want to present it to my kids. Is there a more positive way to look at this for my myself and my family?
OK. Let's turn this thinking around. We have another place to visit now when we get tired of doing the same old thing around here. And now when we visit, it is not for just an hour here or there between activities, but a good period of time where it is just us and them. No interruptions, just time to chat and play. Kids...can you say, sleepovers!!!! How fun is that. Here is another word for you...surprises! I absolutely love getting in the car, destination unknown for the kids, and surprising them with a day spent with good friends. Mini, affordable "vacations" in a new town! New things to do! Let's explore their town for the day. Their ice cream stands, playgrounds, swimming, parks, zoos, fairs. Different things to talk about! Who doesn't love some good gossip about the new neighbors or what is going on in someone else's schools??? And then of course, there is email, facebook, IM, skype, media messaging, texting, cell phones. We could be more in touch now living further away than we were living in the same town!
Ahhhh...that sounds better to me. More comforting, exciting, and manageable. And more of the way I want my kids to see it. Truth be told, I am happy for my friends. There moves are going to make their lives easier. Their families closer. Their time freer. I love them enough to know that this is what is right for them right now. I would rather see them content and at peace further away, than stressed and maxed out close by.
Selfishly though, I am still sad. My kids will be sad to lose the everyday closeness of their neighborhood friends, their hometown friends. But I am hoping to show them what friendship truly is with these moves. It is easy to be friends with someone you see everyday. Someone who is so tangled up in your immediate world. But the rewards for putting the work into keeping friendships with those who are further away are great. Lifelong friends are amazing friends no matter how close or far away from you they are. They are worth the effort. And in the case of true friends, love makes the effort not really that hard at all.
McCuskers and Panettas we will miss you terribly. May your moves be the beginning of new and wonderful journeys. May you make many new friends and feel comfort and joy in your new homes. May your kids love their new homes, schools, friendships and activities. And may you have no time to think about what you have left behind, because we will remain right beside you every step of the way! We love you and look forward to your "hello" parties in your new homes.
May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष
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