Friday, June 18, 2010
So many emotions. Not sure where to start. We put Abby to sleep tonight. She is gone. Gone from our world, our lives, our home, our family. Gone forever. Or is she? I was there. I held her head in my hands and looked in her eyes as she lay on a blanket on the floor at the vet's office. I watched as the vet injected her front leg with a drug that would sedate her and make her sleepy. I looked into her eyes and told her that she was my first baby, that I loved her, and that it was OK for her to go and to enjoy a new life with those who have gone before her. I felt her eyes gaze trustingly into mine until she could no longer hold her head up and I lay her down to sleep. To sleep in peace eternally in the world that was awaiting her. I stayed in the room with my sleeping baby until Rob and I gave her enough tears. Enough hugs and caresses to send her off into her new life and away from ours. The vet did a last check to make sure she was gone. But was she?
I watched her go, but yet I still feel her with me. Isn't she at the foot of the bed? Isn't she downstairs pacing around waiting for someone to feed her and take her out for a walk? Isn't she taking a nap in the sun that is streaming through the dining room window?
But it is more than just the memories making me feel that she is still here. She is in my heart. In the stories Rob and I have been sharing about her all night. In the clear visions I see of her swimming, cuddling, and licking my face. And she is in heaven. In the heaven we came home and told our children she was in. The one where she is running, playing, jumping and being cared for by their Nauna Mary Jane. Their Nauna who was Abby's first owner and who is so happy to be receiving this treasured gift back again.
I truly feel blessed to have been able to hold Abby and be with her to take her from this world to the next. I know in my heart that she is in a better place, free from pain and suffering. How fortunate am I that I got to be the one that she trusted completely to support her while she journeyed from her earthly body to her spiritual, eternal self.
So why then am I so sad? Why have the tears been flowing all night for Rob and I? Why are my children burying their heads in their pillows and crying because Abby has died? If she is in a better place, why are we so worried and upset about it? Shouldn't we just be happy for her?
Obviously, my children can not comprehend what has happened. They just know that a member of their family is gone. And unfortunately having had experienced the death of a loved one, they know she is not coming back. But what about me? I know that she is gone from this earth, but not really "gone". Just home. Heaven. But what is heaven? Is it really a place "up there" with golden gates and a loving man in a white beard? Or is it something inside of us already that we can only achieve through death of this human life and birth into something eternal? I can accept all that on a day to day basis, but when I am watching someone who is a part of me die, I would rather believe in a heaven full of angels, fluffy white clouds, and all of the pleasures that one could possibly imagine rather than just a different energy level or universal being.
So while I found myself feeling blessed for having Abby in my life for 11+ years and for having the opportunity to not only say goodbye to her but to be with her in her journey from this earth to what lies ahead, I find myself worrying about what does await her on the other side. And worrying about where to tell my children she has gone, when I am not sure how to describe it myself.
Well, nothing motivates you to make a decision quicker than having your child ask you a direct question. Both my children asked tonight if Abby was in heaven, how she got there, and who was taking care of her while she was there. And when those questions came at me broken up through tearful and scared voices, I knew what to do. I told them about a heaven where dogs find their new heavenly bodies and run free and energetically as if they were puppies again. A heaven where dogs are taken care of by loved ones who are already there and where they are given everything they could desire and more. A heaven where they are loved unconditionally and where they become angels who visit the earth to watch over us and keep a special place in our hearts forever.
Tonight I feel as if I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be enlightened or spiritual enough to know the meaning of this life or the next. If a heaven with acres of beautiful pastures and doggie cloud beds makes my children and I feel better, then that is what heaven will be tonight. After all, any belief we may have about heaven or what lies hereafter all is centered on love and peace. If Abby is full of love and at peace tonight, then whatever and wherever that heaven is, is where I want her to be.
Be at peace Abby. Be free of pain. Run with the breeze on your back and the sun on your face. Savor each and every meaty bone you find. Enjoy the love and the affection of all the children and animal lovers that abound in heaven. Find a fluffy white cloud to lay upon to rest. And know that you were and are truly loved and will remain forever in our hearts and minds. I love you baby.
May your heart be at ease,