Snow Day or School Day?

Here in Connecticut, we have been hit pretty bad this year with snow storms. Which means we have had many delays and days off from school. I don't think my kids have had a full week of school since before Christmas break!

Personally, I have always loved snow days. Something very peaceful and freeing about suddenly being stopped and forced into giving up the schedule and to do list. And of course my children absolutely adore getting the call that school is closed! An unexpected day off is such a treat.

But lately, instead of waking up and expecting to go to school, my kids are waking up and expecting a snow day. School has become the unexpected surprise. And for a child who already suffers with anxieties about going to school, it is also an unpleasant one.

With the routine of going to school Monday to Friday not being the norm lately, my son is having difficulty making the transition from snow day to school day. He absolutely loves being home, staying in his pj's, playing and being with mom. But the fun comes with a price, because it makes going back to school again that much more difficult for him to handle. Some days, it is like we are back on the first day of school with all of the same worries and insecurities that came with it.

The serenity prayer asks that we be granted the courage to change the things we can, the serenity to accept the things we can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. Well, I know that I cannot change the weather. Even though my son now prefers The Weather Channel to Nickelodeon, we cannot stop the snow from coming or the schools from closing. I also know that I cannot take away all of his anxieties for him, and presently he cannot either. So what is there that we can do?

One idea that has helped us a lot this year is to take each day, each morning, each task one step at a time. (Thanks Alice for this helpful tip!) Talking about being scared and upset about going to school has not changed those feelings much at all. Sometimes it even makes them worse. So instead we have stopped and focused on what we need to do at that moment. "Let's read a story together to help you fall asleep." "Go to sleep so you will feel rested for the morning" "Let's just get up and get dressed right now." "How about we have breakfast together." "All you need to do right now is put on your coat."  We keep going at this pace, and before he knows it, he has made it on the bus. I acknowledge his feeling of being scared and upset, but we don't dwell on them at that moment. Rather, we focus on the positive, the now, and what is important at each moment instead of looking at the whole day ahead which is just too overwhelming when you are anxious.

When do we talk more about how he is feeling and why? At calmer, happier times like while having a snack together after school, or cuddling together on a weekend morning. It is during those times that we have started talking about creating a tool kit. (Thank you Alisa for this one!) This "tool kit" contains all of the things that my son can use to calm himself down and build his confidence and security up when he is feeling anxious. I started by asking him what makes him feel better when he is sad or worried. His blanket, some favorite stuffed animals, thoughts of being on the beach in Florida, memories of Seaworld, hugs from his family - these are all some of things he wanted to "put" in his tool kit. Now when he is worried about something, I can remind him to pick one of his tools to use to help him calm himself down and put his mind at ease.

Now don't make my mistake and try talking about this tool kit while your child is anxious and upset. The only thing he will want to put into it then is "NOTHING!" Not helpful I'm afraid.

One last strategy I can share with you is called "changing the channel". If I can get my son to calm down enough to try this, it sometimes helps. I ask him to close his eyes and get as quiet as he can. I then tell him to imagine that his brain is a television set and that his hand is holding the remote. I ask him if he likes what he is seeing on the television now - this scary, unhappy show that keeps playing over and over again. I tell him to instead think of another show he would like to see playing in his head. Maybe one where everyone is happy, enjoying themselves, and acting strong and courageous like the most powerful sea animals (he loves sea animals!). Then I tell him that all he needs to do to get that new show on his television is to use the remote in his hand to change the channel. Whenever he doesn't like what is playing in his head, he can always change the channel to something that he does like and that makes him feel good to watch. Again, I learned to try this strategy out when your child is calm and relaxed. If they are already familiar with it, then they will be more willing to try it during those anxious moments.

As I write this, I just got the call that we will be having another snow day tomorrow due to the ice storm headed our way. Another fun day ahead tomorrow, but the going back will once again be tough. Like my son, I am trying to take it one step at a time.  Hopefully, we will both make it back to the bus stop together  with as little tears as possible.

May your heart be at ease,
Angela   सन्तोष

Back to School

Wow! We made it! Put a brand new kindergartner and first grader on the bus this morning with no tears, lots of kisses and excitement, and just a little bit of nausea (mine of course). After this wonderful morning, I proceeded to miss both kids terribly and wait the hours until their arrival home. Lindsey came home first, smiling and skipping off of the bus. She LOVED school. Wanted to go right back again. Success!!!! Then I spent more time waiting and missing the other kid terribly until he arrived home. After what seemed like forever, Brandon ran off the bus, all smiles and happy about his day. Loved his teacher, his classroom, and lunch in school. Another success!!! Could it really be that the days of crying, anxiety, and not wanting to go to school were really behind us????? Ummmm....No. I forgot that the first day of school is generally easy. It is in anticipation of the second day that the trouble around here begins!

We had a wonderful time swimming and playing with friends after school. The day was going great. Then it was time to go home and get ready for dinner and bed. And that is when the tears and fears began. My little worrier kindly asked me if he could go back to kindergarten. He did not like going to school until 3:00 and was scared of not knowing all of this first grade stuff. When I explained that he would be bored going back to kindergarten because it would be too easy, he said, "Fine. Then I'll just stay home with you all day." Ah. If it were only that easy.

So, what is a mom to do? The night continued to get progressively worse as the tears started. "I don't want to go to first grade." "It is too long." "Can't I take a week off." "I'm not going to school tomorrow." "I'm scared mommy." "I miss you."

Now, I've learned a thing or two over the past 4 years he has been in school. I did not tell him he had nothing to be afraid of. Instead we talked about how it is scary, and tiring, and hard in the beginning. Just like starting most new things are. But that it will get better, we just have to take it one day at a time.

Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that it will get better. Especially children. They want you to make it better right now! So we talked about what he could do to make going to first grade less scary. After we got passed "not going," he thought planning something special for the end of each day might be nice. That would give him something to look forward to and make the day go by faster. He also liked knowing that he still had time for some play and fun activity at the end of the school day.

OK. Problem solved. Time for bed. Ummm...NO! Tears start all over again along with the saddest look of "Mommy, please make this all better for me." We talk about all of the things he already knows how to do in school - ride the bus, read, go to art, gym, and music, add, make friends.... All of those things he doesn't have to be afraid of because he is already a pro at them. We talk about how his teacher is his "school mommy" and how he can always ask her for help or a hug when he needs one. He suggests that I call his teacher and tell her that he is scared so she can help him. I think that is a wonderful suggestion, so I do. He is happy to hear that his teacher adores him already and says that he is doing great. And also that she has lots of hugs waiting for him tomorrow (yes, can you say AWESOME teacher!). That makes him smile and calms him down enough to try and fall asleep.

But his face still says "Make this better mommy!" And I want to. I want to take away his fear and make it all better right now too! But I am learning that he has to go through it. Lots of other new first graders are going through it too. Same as new middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students, and new teachers. If I don't let him go through it, he won't get through it and come out stronger, more confident and capable of handling his fears the next time. I have to aid him in finding a way to comfort himself and find the determination to work through his fears, and even just his exhaustion with a new full day schedule. But I can't do it for him. I want him to tell me how he feels and talk about ways to make things better. But ultimately, he has to experience it and find his own way. And I guess, I have to find my own way to deal with not being able to absorb his pain and take all unpleasant experiences away from him.

Sounds like I have this all figured out, right? Ummm...No. I neglected to mention one more strategy that helped my little worrier fall asleep tonight. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be at the toy store buying a brand new 'pillow pet' for my first grader who promises to get on the bus tomorrow. Bribery. Yes - I admit it. Bribery. I'm a mom. I'll do whatever it takes!

May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष

No HoeDown for Me!

I opened one eye this morning and waited for it. Opened the other eye, jumped out of bed and waited for it. Brushed my teeth, combed my hair and waited for it. Went to the top of the stairs, called my son up to get dressed for school and then it came.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am not going to school today. I don't want to go. I'm too scared!"
Here we go, I thought. Brandon had been saying since Monday that he was absolutely not going to go to school on Thursday because he did not want to be in the Hoedown. He was too scared to get up on stage with the other kindergarten students and sing for the parents. I'd been helping him to think of other more pleasant events during the week and distracting him to make him feel better, but now it was showtime. Time to perform - him at the 'hoedown' and me at 'what was about to go down' to get him on the bus.

As Brandon began to scream and cry and slam the door - oh wait. It wasn't Brandon who slammed the door. That would be my husband who heard what was about to take place and quickly snuck out the door to go to work. I really can't blame him. At that moment I really wished I had a job outside of the home that I could escape to as well. (Or that it was acceptable to have a glass of wine at 7 in the morning!)

I first tried talking to him about why he was afraid. This did not work at all. He didn't care why. He just knew that he was scared and the solution for him was simply not to go. Now of course, at this point I could have saved myself and him a lot of aggravation and tears and just let him stay home. I mean it was just a kindergarten performance, not high school graduation. But I know my son, and I know that if I don't help him to face his fears, he will never get over them. Every small step he takes in overcoming an anxiety makes it that much easier the next time.

I realized that I was not going to be able to get him to change his feelings - he was scared and that was not going to go away. So instead I focused on how he could best handle that fear and get himself to face it by going to school. We started by focusing on the task at the moment. "Brandon, you don't need to go to school yet. I just need you to get dressed."... "Let's have breakfast." ..."Brush your teeth." And when he started to get upset between tasks, we went back to breathing deep and focusing on what we were doing right then.

I chose not to talk with him about being scared anymore, because I realized that it was just feeding the fear. I validated his fear and gave him lots of hugs and kisses, but I did not try to get him to not be afraid. Talking about it was making him more upset and irrational. Sticking with our routine as best as we could calmed him down.

Then it was time to pack up to go to the bus stop - definitely the hardest part. I have had to make the choice before of whether to send him crying on the bus or drive him to school. Not easy, but again the change in routine from bus to car usually does nothing for his anxiety but prolong it.

Brandon loves sea animals and has a manatee stuffed animal that is very special to him. I had him get the manatee and he and I asked the manatee to hold all of Brandon's fears about today in his heart and mind so that Brandon could get on the bus and go to school with no worries. I told Brandon that he could take the manatee to school with him to give him strength and to keep all his yucky feelings for him. Somehow this worked and Brandon got on the bus with only a little hesitation. After the bus left, I sat at the top of the driveway, closed my eyes, and prayed. I sent positive thoughts, courage, and peace to Brandon and then waited to see what would happen at the Hoedown.

I saw Brandon's class march on stage with their happy little chick hats (and at that moment understood why Brandon kept telling me he didn't want to wear the hat - kind of looked like a pilgrim woman's hat that had been attacked by a flock of birds!). Then my fear set in when I did not see Brandon up on stage. Friends sitting nearby didn't seem him either. I had visions of him having a nervous breakdown in the nurse's office. But then my neighbor spotted him. He had put his chick hat so far down in front that you couldn't see his face! A few seconds later he picked up his head and looked around. I gave him a big wave and smile and he smiled and waved back - and then proceeded to sing and act with the rest of his class. Ahhhhhhh...he did it!

On our way home from school I asked him if he was glad that he went today. He said yes and that he was proud of himself for doing a good job. It was really only just a little scary he said. So I suggested that next year's performance in first grade would now be a breeze for him. To which he replied, "I'm not going to first grade mom. It is just going to be too long of a day. I want to stay with you." Oh well, one step, one day at a time I guess. At least it is now after 5pm. Perfectly acceptable to have that glass of wine now!

May your heart be at ease,
Angela सन्तोष